Thoughts on marriage and divorce

Tomorrow Trent and I celebrate 22 years of marriage.  We are traveling with the girls in Europe and have spent the last week in Athens.  The best part, in my opinion, is meeting people who live in these places.  We have made several new friends.  One new friend had also been married and divorced from a police officer.  As I thought about that and my anniversary, I thought I would share some stories included in the book on marriage and divorce.  

The first two are about my first marriage and the second happened during my honeymoon with Trent.  From the beginning, Trent has been such a great example of love and faith to me.  We are very blessed to have found each other.  Marriage is not easy, but it is so much easier when we both have a desire to include God.  How grateful I am for so many moments like the one I share last with my sweet husband.  Enjoy!

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

 

By Valerie Mills Hunt

 

When I was in my early 20’s and married to my first husband, my cousin and his wife on my mom’s side split up.  I loved them and had babysat for them many times over the years.  I was heartbroken, but I also remember thinking how wrong they were to split up.  At the time, I was dealing with a difficult marriage myself and it didn’t occur to me at the time, that I was wrong to judge.  In fact, I probably felt like I had more rights to judge than most people.

 

Fast forward to age 27 and separated.  You know the sayings, “What goes around comes around?”  Well, it did in full force. 

 

Just a few examples:

 

Steven was 3 ½ and Chalyse was 21 months when I got a protective order and hid out in an apartment for a couple months.  When my estranged husband did not pay his court ordered child support, I was given food stamps and WIC to help me feed my two young children. 

 

I received my share of dirty looks in the check-out line as I used those items to pay for my groceries.  I too had been guilty of judging others for doing the exact same thing.

 

One of my first court appearances, when my estranged husband was asking that the house be put up for sale, the judge said he would not be responsible for selling the house out from under the children.  Kelly was ordered out and I was able to move back in with the kids.  The next day was Sunday and I went to church in the ward I had attended for the 2 years we had lived there before I left.  It was a fast Sunday.  I had been gone a couple months.  My next-door neighbor got up to share her testimony and while glancing at me, told the ward that she wanted to tell her Primary class that anyone who divorced was going to hell.  I was shocked at her audacity.  Good thing I wasn’t going to church for the approval of the people there, but because of my relationship with God.  I think it is because of that relationship, that I was able to give Dee the benefit of the doubt.  I pictured her in her own difficult marriage, thinking that because she had stayed married she had the right to judge me.  When I would pass her in the halls at church or need something from her when she was working in the church library, I would smile and greet her.  I don’t think she ever smiled back at me.  I mostly received a stony glare and to be honest, I was happy not to have to deal with that anymore when I moved 5 years later. 

 

There have been times over the years, when couples have split up and I have been present when things have been said about divorce being wrong, bible scriptures quoted and I felt the need to speak up and say something.  We can’t know what others are going through.  I still don’t feel like I can share openly the details of all that I endured.  I certainly didn’t tell people what I was going through when I was going through it. 

 

I do believe there is a place for righteous judgement – otherwise we’d be sending our kids off to play with serial killers – but I believe that because we can’t possibly know what others are going through, and in all circumstances, we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt.  

 

 

 

Thoughts Not my Own

 

By Valerie Mills Hunt

1994

 

After Becky died, we all grieved in different ways. I married Kelly Roberts May 30, 1987 after dating him 1 1/2 years. On our very first date, Kelly had said he wanted a  marriage solemnized in the temple. However, after proposing a year later, he said he had some things he needed to repent for and that we would go through on our first anniversary. He attended church with me at my ward and took me to one of his ward activities so I did not realize that he had not been active in his own ward for years. I was young, naive and didn't think to ask. I believed that despite the little red flags, that if we just worked hard enough and loved each other enough, we would have our happily ever after.

 

Not long after marrying, Kelly asked me to not go to church and my bishop counseled me to do as my husband asked.  For several years we did not attend church, I got out of the habit of praying  and  things were very difficult and rocky.  Despite that, Kelly would renew his commitment to go through the temple every New Year.

 

I waited four years until things seemed to be more stable before I was ready to start a family with Steven arriving in June 1991.

 

The way I saw it up until 1994, divorce was wrong. I believed I had taken vows, even if only civilly, and I was determined to make my marriage work.

 

After Kelly was hired on with the Utah Highway Patrol, and we had been married 4 years, Steven was born. I told Kelly that when we dated, he had said he wanted to be sealed in the temple as a family, but that would not happen if we didn't go to church. Kelly gave permission and we began attending again with Kelly attending when his work schedule allowed.

 

Chalyse was born 21 months after Steven in March of 1993. When she was about a year old, I was heading home from church with the kids. (Kelly had not attended). In Gospel Doctrine that day, someone mentioned that it was a commandment to go to the temple in order to be able to return to Heavenly Father’s presence. I had still not been to the temple, but had wanted to go for as long as I could remember. I had strived to be worthy. I wanted to be with Becky again someday.

 

I prayed to my Heavenly Father saying, if it is a commandment to go to the temple I want to go, but my husband is not okay with it. I then quoted the scripture in my prayer, 1 Ne. 3:7, “I will go and do the things the Lord commands, for I know the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of man, save He shall prepare a way that they may accomplish the thing which He hath commanded them.” In my mind, I thought Kelly's heart would be softened and we would go to the temple.

 

Months later, a friend invited me to Education Week at Brigham Young University and Kelly was willing to babysit so I could go on the very last day – a Friday, There were two speakers that when I heard them speak, the spirit was so strong and the messages they shared were just what I needed. I remembered feeling that same sweet spirit from when I attended Camp Oakcrest when I was 12 and 13 years old and I realized I had not felt that in my home or in other places for years. I decided I wanted to have that spirit with me.

 

There were other sacred moments, but one very pivotal one happened after attending Sunday School that summer in 1994. A comment was made in the Gospel Doctrine class that Heavenly Father loves his children and sometimes he humbles them in order to get them to turn to Christ. I was contemplating this as I walked home from church with my two little kids. As I thought about it, I considered things that would potentially be humbling. Kelly had refused to go to counseling and there were other things that were going on that made me question his relationship with his Savior. As I thought about how Heavenly Father loves all His children and would want all of us to return, including Kelly, the thought entered my mind, "What would be more humbling than (Kelly) losing his wife and children?" I knew that didn’t mean due to death, but that I was to leave Kelly. I thought it meant that he would be humbled, be willing to get counseling and that we would be able to save our marriage.

 

It had never occurred to me before that moment, that Heavenly Father would be okay with my separating from Kelly.

 

In November 1994, after recurring abuse I obtained a protective order and moved out. I was protected during that time and had many additional spiritual experiences.  I was given to know, eventually, that I was to proceed with the divorce and it was finalized in April of 1996.

 

Lost in the Ocean

 

By Valerie Mills Hunt

 

Trent and I went to a Sandals Resort in Antigua for our Honeymoon, compliments of his parents. While playing on the beach and swimming in the ocean, the CTR ring my mom had given me when I received my temple endowment fell off without my noticing. Trent and I were back in our room when I realized my ring was not on my finger where it was supposed to be.

 

I was devastated and sure all was lost. After all, we had covered a lot of area snorkeling, and swimming. The ocean currents were coming in and out and there were miles and miles of sand. Trent suggested we pray. I scoffed. I believed that God answered prayers, when he wanted, but didn't feel like little ole' me was all that deserving. And after all, it was the ocean and there were a lot of people more deserving or with more dire needs than mine. I just didn't see it happening. But “naive” Trent kept insisting and I found myself on my knees with him praying that I might be able to find my ring.

 

We then donned our snorkeling masks and flippers and went back into the ocean anticipating that we would be combing back and forth over the large area we had covered. However, it was only a matter of minutes when I saw what appeared to be a huge loop earring sticking out of the sand. I reached out and picked it up and truly was shocked when it was my little CTR ring. There have been more times than I can count where I have been humbled by these answers to prayers. Trent's simple faith and the results have led to greater faith on my part when it comes to prayer.